


The Hint Menu

by GivemeanID



Series: This is what happen when I'm being enabled [9]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, M/M, Matchmaking, ghost!Izuna, the village being way too involved into Tobi and Mada's love life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:07:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 16,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22546789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GivemeanID/pseuds/GivemeanID
Summary: Sometimes, the balance of the Universe depends of two people falling in love.Sometimes, these two people are so dense they are unable to see the obvious.Sometimes, the Universe is so desperate they decide to enable the Hint Menu.In our case, the Hint Menu is ghost Izuna with a megaphone.
Relationships: Senju Hashirama/Uzumaki Mito, Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Madara
Series: This is what happen when I'm being enabled [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1551997
Comments: 516
Kudos: 752
Collections: Fics I enjoy 😍





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Blame the internet ^^

\- And this is why you should help us, the luminous being finished.

Izuna squinted. This was... not what he had expected from death. One second he was dying on his bed, feeling himself leave his body, the other he was floating in what appeared to be space, faced by... something humanoid, who could be a man or a woman, he really didn't know. Said being presented themselves as the Universe (Izuna might have snorted) and told him they needed his help to get Madara and Tobirama to fuck each other.

Okay, they didn't say it exactly like that (there has been an entire speech on the power of love and opposite being attracted to each others and balance and a lot of other things) but that was what Izuna had chosen to understood. The Universe wanted his brother and his rival to fuck.

A smirk spread Izuna's ghostly lips. Oh, he was going to have so much fun !

\- So, do you agree ? the Universe asked.  
\- A way to get back at my rival for killing me, while annoying my brother, and all of that without having to suffer any consequences ? Sign me the fuck up !

This was gonna be glorious !


	2. First victim : Madara

When Izuna appeared in front of him - despite him being dead and incinerated - as he was eating an onigiri, Madara swallowed his mouthful wrong and almost choked to death. When he finally managed to gain his breath back, Izuna was still there. Madara dragged a hand down his face.

\- Fuck, he groaned, I need to see the healer...

Izuna puffed up in mock offence.

\- Geez ! Quite a way to greet your brother Aniki !  
\- Hallucination, Madara breathed, this is an hallucination...  
\- This is rude ! I am very much here !  
\- You are dead !  
\- And here !

Madara banged his head on the table, then took a deep breath and looked at Izuna in the eyes. Izuna kept grinning like a cat in front of a mouse.

\- Okay, Madara grumbled, Prove me that you are Izuna.  
\- You can't pee when someone's behind you.

Madara blushed all the way to his hairline and spluttered.

\- Okay ! Okay !

Being the nice person that he was, Izuna gave him some time to recover.

\- Why are you a ghost ? Madara finally asked.

Izuna preened, very happy that he asked this question.

\- Well you see, Aniki, I am here with a mission. I shall make you see the light !  
\- What ?  
\- You see the Senju ? You know the one I am talking about, the bleached bastard. Well, you see, he is hot. I mean, scorching hot. And deadly. And you should absolutely go see him and bend him over his desk and fuck him till he can't walk.

Izuna waggled his eyebrows to emphasize his point. Madara didn't move. A long moment passed in an uneasy silence, that Izuna spend doing more and more expressive mimics with his eyebrows to get a reaction out of his brother.

Then Madara blinked. Izuna blinked.

\- You are definitely an hallucination, Madara said.

Izuna threw his hands up in the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, Izuna ^^ It won't be as easy !


	3. First victim : Madara (part 2)

Madara was trying to block the chattering of his brother's ghost, who was swirling around him and cackling like the little fucker he was. He had little success with that. Izuna was loud, and knew Madara way too much to not push the right buttons. Which led to a red faced Madara stalking as fast as he could to the Tower, almost running. People were looking at him funny.

At first, he had thought that Izuna was an hallucination (after all, only an hallucination could say something as stupid as "Go fuck Tobirama Senju !"). But after some time, he had to admit that this was not the case. None of the healers he saw had been able to detect anything wrong with him. And none of the medicines they gave him made the fucking ghostly weasel disappear. So, out of despair, Madara had to admit that he might be haunted by the ghost of his little brother and that said ghost wanted him to fuck his murderer through a matress (Izuna has given a lot of details about the way he was suposed to do the deed).

Maybe this was a retroactive revenge for all the times he dunked Izuna in the koi pond, but in that case, it was really twisted.

Finally, he reached the Tower. Unfortunately, he had a meeting with Hashirama and all the clan heads, and of course the bleached bastard would be here too, and it was gonna be a nightmare. Because Izuna would probably used all he had to convince Madara that having sex with the White Demon was the best idea of the century. And Madara wouldn't be able to say anything through this torture, because he was the only one who saw Izuna.

He entered the meeting room, vaguely saluted Hashirama, and sat in his place, pointedly not looking at Tobirama (it was difficult enough fighting the images Izunas babbling had put into his head). He closed his eyes, inhaled deeply and prayed the ghost of his brother would just shut up.

Whichever god heard his prayer apparently decide that his predicament was too funny to stop, because Izuna floated to his old rival and litterally draped himself on the Senju's shoulders. The man didn't react but Madara was one hair short from sounding like a boiling keetle.

\- Come on Aniki ! Izuna cheered, look at him ! Look at these muscles ! Damn, I wished I'd seen him out of armor before the end of the war, fucking worth it I tell you ! I'd have agreed to peace if only it meant I could rub myself all over that !

Tobirama stood up, unaware of what was going on. Madara felt ready to explode.

\- I mean, Izuna continued, trailing behind the Senju, look at that ass ! You could bounce a kunai off it ! Wish I was alive so I could tap that !

He mimed a slap on Tobirama's ass and Madara indeed let out a steaming keetle sound. Tobirama's face whipped in his direction, eyebrow raised.

\- Come on Aniki, Izuna grinned (and Amaterasu's knickers, his brother's ghost looked like a cat who just got a mouse), you know you want to fuck him.

He winked. And Madara lost his temper. He had his dignity and his reputation to preserve, dammit ! He rose on his feet, squaring his shoulders, hair bristling and eyes flaring.

\- I DO NOT WANT TO FUCK THAT BLEACHED BASTARD, NO MATTER HOW MOUTHWATERING HE IS !!! he roared.

As the words left his mouth, he remarked that one, Izuna had a shit eating grin, and two, the meeting room was filled with every single one of Konoha's Clan Heads. All of them were looking at him like he had a second head. Hashirama's jaws were somewhere on his lap. And Tobirama was looking offended and his cheeks were slightly pink.

Madara slapped both hands on his mouth and ran out of the room like he had the Shinigami on his heels, screeching. Cackling manically, Izuna pumped the air and followed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For now, Madara is the only one who can see Izuna.


	4. First victim : Madara (part 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madara uses Foot in Mouth. It's very effective.

Hikaku sighed and dragged a hand down his face. For a fleeting second, he wondered if he could ask for political asylum to the Nara. Really, why did he have to be the only sensible person in a family of drama queens ? The most dramatic of all being of course their Clan Head, who was currently hiding in a closet like a six year old after he exited the Hokage Tower screeching. Hikaku still didn't know what his cousin had witnessed (or done) to trigger such an idiotic reaction. 

(Who thought giving Madara-sama any modicum of power was a good idea, already ?)

\- Madara-sama, Hikaku groaned, please get out of the closet. It's already been five hours. You can't spent the rest of your life here.  
\- Just watch me ! came the muffled answer.

Hikaku felt a dire need to bang his head against a wall. Just as he was about to talk again, Sakuo entered the Head House, looking a little pale.

\- The White Dem... erhm... Senju Tobirama wants to talk to Madara-sama, he said.  
\- Oh... can you ask him wait ?  
\- Well...

At this moment, Senju Tobirama stalked into the corridor, looking tremendously furious.

************

Madara was curled into his closet, away from noisy ghosts and gorge... fucking Senju bastards, when the door of his closet was litterally ripped open and he was faced with a fuming Tobirama. Screeching, Madara jumped on his feet. Izuna (the fucking traitor) chose that exact moment to pop up next to his brother, smiling widely.

\- What the fuck is your problem, Uchiha ? Tobirama growled.

He launched on a spiel on Madara supposed lack of social skills, eyes spiting lightning. Madara barely listened, watching the Senju's face, hypnotized. Because the ghost of his brother might be an annoying little weasel, but at least Izuna was right on one thing. Tobirama was fucking gorgeous and it was putting innappropriate pictures in Madara's mind.

\- Whoa, Aniki, Izuna whispered in his ear, have you seen his lips ? Damn, I wonder what they'd look like stretched around your cock...

Madara made the mistake to focus on Tobirama's lips. The moment he did, his mind was filled by images of Tobirama on his knees before him, plush pink lips stretched around his girth, the Senju's cheeks pink and his wine red gaze hazy. Madara promptly became redder than a tomato, let out a sound akin to a dying cat stuck in a tuba and started bleeding from his nose.

None of this seemed to calm Tobirama down.

************

The Uchiha compound wasn't usually calm (with all the fire and the shouting and the occasionnal explosion) but today it was. Which was the exact reason the explosion of sound coming from the Head House was immediately heard through the whole neighbourhood. The Uchiha, being avid gossippers by nature, instantly rounded up around the house just in time to see Tobirama Senju get out, screaming, face flushed with anger.

\- WELL, IT'S NOT MY FAULT IF YOU'RE ADDLED IN THE HEAD !! he roared in Madara's direction.

Of course, Madara, being true to his reputation, sprouted the first thing going through his head.

\- WELL, IT'S NOT MY FAULT IF YOU HAVE THE MOST GORGEOUS ASS I'VE EVER SET MY EYES UPON !!!

Three things happened simultaneously.

First, all the Uchiha present gasped, not believing their ears. A fair number among them had their Sharingan on, recording the incident for posterity. Second, Madara slapped both hands on his mouth, at the same time than Hikaku and Sakuo. Third, after stending there speechless for a second, Tobirama made a very distinctive handsign, fuming.

Squeaking, Hikaku and Sakuo got their hands off Madara's mouth and hurried out of the line of fire. The gigantic water dragon hit Madara square in the face.

Izuna, invisible to everybody except Madara, rolled on the ground clutching his ribs, laughing his ass off, as a harrumphing Tobirama stalked away, righteous fury radiating from every fiber of his being. A soaking wet Madara was left picking up the pieces of his dignity. 

Izuna snorted. His plan was going very well.


	5. Second victim : Tobirama

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izuna sets his eyes on another victim

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for Tobi to suffer through Izuna's shenanigans ^^

One thing Izuna loved with being a ghost was that walls and wards weren't obstacles anymore. He could go wherever the fuck he wanted and absolutely nobody could stop him. He was the King Of The World and everybody should bow and despair before his power !!!

All of that to say that Izuna was currently navigating his way to Tobirama's lab, somewhere on the village's outskirts. Yeah, because as funny as making Madara make a fool of himself in public was, Izuna had a mission and if he wanted it to succeed, he needed Tobirama to cooperate, roll over and have sex with his brother. Also, he knew Madara by heart and he longed for a good challenge. And Tobirama had always been a good challenge provider.

So Izuna slithered through the lab's walls and defences and finally reached the room where Tobirama was working. The man was alone, hunched over a work station, working on a seal. His jaws were tight and his brows furrowed. He was painting the seal briskly, growling under his breath, apparently still furious with Madara. This amused Izuna to no end. He approached his rival and bent down to see what Tobirama was doing. Doing so, his hair brushed against Tobirama's shoulder.

The Senju startled wildly and looked behind his back, pupils wide and nostrils flaring. Izuna had jumped back, surprised by the reaction. Tobirama was still looking around, trying to place what had touched him. Izuna raised a brow. This made no sense, Tobirama was not seeing him. And Izuna had tested his abilities with Madara (and some other Uchiha), and people didn't feel when he was touching them. So why..? 

And then he remembered that Tobirama was one of the strongest sensor ever recorded in the Elemental Countries. So he was not seeing him, but apparently he could feel him.

Izuna smirked.

Oh, that was going to be so much fun !

************

Tobirama was starting to think he was going slowly crazy. It had started two hours ago. Shivers at first, barely there touches that made him jump out of his skin, because there was noone here with him. Except, with every shiver, a small, blurred presence was registering to his senses just before disappearing again and Tobirama was ready to go wild.

He yelped and turned around. He had clearly felt hands grope his hips just this instant. But there was fucking noone in sight and the presence had disappeared again. Tobirama bared his teeth and growled. If he saw someone, there was going to be hell to pay.

Somehow, he knew this was Madara's fault. This was always Madara's fault.

He closed his eyes, joined his hands in front of him in a simulation of prayer and breathed deeply. Opening his eyes, he stomped to the coffee maker, grabbed his favorite mug (the one Mito gifted him for his twenty-fifth birthday that read World Number 1 Mad Scientist) and filled it to the brim.

\- This is okay, he grumbled, this is okay, there is noone here, I'm just tired and probably hallucinating. This is okay...

This was the moment an almost transparent Izuna appeared in front of him.

\- Who are you calling an hallucination Senju ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos to Shiver_Mint for the idea that Tobi can sense ghost Izuna ;)


	6. Second victim : Tobirama (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobirama would like his hallucination to shut up, please and thank you.

Unlike what Izuna thought, Tobirama displayed no particular reaction to his apparition. His right eye barely twitched as he drank the black tar he called coffee, attention fixated on Izuna. The young Uchiha hovered there, waiting. Tobirama finished his sip, swallowed, looked at Izuna, then at his coffee, then back at Izuna. He sighed and put his mug on the table next the coffee maker.

\- I need to sleep, he groaned.

Izuna rolled his eyes as he threw his hands up dramatically.

\- Oh come on ! Not you too !

Tobirama grumbled something as he walked away. Izuna sprinted after him.

\- Listen to me Senju !  
\- I do not listen to hallucination, this is counterproductive.  
\- I am not an hallucination !  
\- This is exactly what an hallucination would say.

Wondering what he did to the gods to deserve such an idiotic rival, Izuna grabbed his shoulder. Tobirama startled and shivered. He stopped and turned to look at Izuna with an impressive scowl on his face.

\- Ah ! See ? I am not an hallucination ! An hallucination could not trigger that kind of reaction !!  
\- Or I am sleep deprived and feverish, and my brain is coupling my shivers to my hallucination, that works too.  
\- Goddammit ! Stop being so logical !

Tobirama rolled his eyes, entered in another room and closed the door in Izuna's face. Swearing up a storm, Izuna passed the wall and got into what was apparently a bathroom, given the shower in a corner and the fact that Tobirama was sheding his clothes. Izuna spent a minute appreciating the show before remembering he had a very important mission.

He jumped in front of Tobirama, but before he could open his mouth, Tobirama interrupted him.

\- So what ? Are you here to haunt me for eternity to make me pay for killing you ?  
\- What ? No !  
\- So, you are an hallucination. Because that's what Izuna would have done...

He entered the shower and opened the water. Izuna was steaming with rage.

\- Dammit ! You're even worse than Madara !

That made Tobirama react. He whirled on his heels, soaked, drops of water rolling on his snow white skin, his hair plastered to his forehead and his face contorted in a grimace of rage. Izuna gulped, and had never been more thankful that ghosts couldn't blush, because damn ! Madara was one hell of a lucky bastard ! Once his mission would be done, Izuna would get his brother to build him a shrine !

\- I am nothing like this idiot ! Tobirama snarled, teeth bared.

Izuna tried to ignore the way his stomach was doing loopings. Hot, very hot, lucky bastard Madara !

\- Are you kidding me ?! Both of you are the same kind of asshat ! You would be perfect for each other.

He grinned from ear to ear, reveling in the way Tobirama was scowling.

\- Which is incidently why I am here Senju. You and my brother need to get together and get all lovey-dovey together. How does that sound ?  
\- Like a fucking nightmare...  
\- Hey !

Tobirama raised a brow, his face otherwise blank.

\- This will never work, hallucination. Because, first, we can't stand each other and second, he is an idiot who can't even control his own mouth. Please ! I have better taste than that !

He went back to showering.

\- However, he added, if you ever manage to get us together, I will build you a fucking temple ! Ah !

Izuna stopped the scathing retort that was about to escape him. Oh, the Senju wanted to play ? Okay. Challenge fucking accepted !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's gonna end up building a temple to Izuna fucking Uchiha, God of Matchmakers ?


	7. First ally : Mito

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izuna is in dire need of allies.
> 
> Fortunately for him, Mito is really happy to lend a hand to her ghostly future brother-in-law.

Izuna had hesitated for quite some time, but finally he had decided to risk it. He needed allies. Living allies, that was, because his inability to influence the physical plan was quite annoying an he needed someone who would be able to push Madara and Tobirama in a closet and lock the door.

He had done some research.

Hashirama was out of question (for now) due to his apparent need to protect his "Pure and Innocent Baby Brother's Purity", which might result in castration or death by vines for Madara. Toka Senju seemed like a good choice, except that her idea of subtlety was apparently "Punch them in the face till they get the message or die". He had thought about Hikaku, but the Uchiha was looking so tired of Madara's bullshit Izuna feared he would descend into madness if he showed himself.

And then, he had found her. The perfect one.

Mito Uzumaki, Hashirama's wife, Tobirama's sister-in-law. One of the most powerful kunoichi there was, an unparalleled seal master, with a clear penchant for mischief. And if the crooked smile she hid behind her teacup when Hashirama went on one of his "Baby Brother's Purity's Protection" rants, she might be open to the idea of locking his rival and his brother in a small enclosed space (with a provision of lube and condoms).

So Izuna decided to risk it.

He waited till she was alone, took a (metaphorical) deep breath and appeared in front of her.

************

Mito blinked gracefully, finished her sip of tea and put her cup on the table. In front of her, the transparent Uchiha was looking a little unsure. Mito smiled, showing just a little bit more teeth than was necessary and pointed a chair.

\- Izuna-san. Why don't you sit ?

The Uchiha ghost blinked and gaped.

\- Whoah ! he huffed, I wasn't expecting that ! You're the first one who doesn't believe I'm an hallucination.  
\- Well, I am an Uzumaki. We live by the sea, and the sea is full of ghosts.  
\- Okay... but, you're not even surprised to see me ?  
\- No. I have started to suspect something when Madara-san started acting oddly.

Izuna rubbed the back of his head with a sheepish expression. He wasn't sorry though, it had been hilarious.

\- Now, Izuna-san, I doubt you came back to make fun of your brother. If you told me exactly why you're here, and why you came to see me.

So Izuna did. Mito didn't interrupt him once. At the end of his spiel, she patted her lower lip with her index finger, face thoughtful.

\- So, the Balance will be kept if Madara and Tobirama fall in love...  
\- Yeah ! Which is why I need you to help me lock them into a reinforced closet.  
\- Hmmm... it won't work, too aggressive. We have to ease them into it.  
\- Okay but how do you went to do it ? They are both so bullheaded they'd rather die !

She smiled, and doing so, looked like one of these trickster demon foxes from the legend.

\- Oh, Izuna-san, just watch and learn...

************

Three days later, after a few pointed remarks concerning how good it would be for the village's wellfare, some emotionnal manipulation and a lot of lemon cakes, Tobirama and Madara were teamed up for missions for an undefinite length of time, Hokage's official orders.

Izuna, bewildered, got on his knees in front of Mito, hands joined, eyes wide.

\- Teach me, Master !


	8. Musical offensive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mito is the best partner in crime Izuna could have hoped for.
> 
> If Tobirama and Madara have to listen to one more romantic song, they might start killing people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "words" are songs' lyrics :)

\- Okay, Izuna said, so they are stuck together no matter what. What is the next step, partner ?

Mito smiled, that very specific smile that was overtly friendly and also downright terrifying, promising death and embarrassement in equal measure to rain down on the unfortunate target of her ire. Izuna shivered, despite having no physical body. Damn, if all the Uzumaki were like that, maybe he should have tried to sneak to their island while he was still alive ! (That would have been hilarious, if only for the heart attack it would have given Madara).

\- Now, Izuna-san, I've heard that music softens the hardest hearts...

She made a quick handsign, bit her thumb and summoned... what appeared to be a small fox, with big eyes, needle teeth and the same smile than the Uzumaki Princess. Izuna instantly fell in love.

\- Izuna-san, I present you Ki-chan. They will help you in your task. I'm letting you choose the songs...

Izuna smiled at the fox, who reciprocated by showing even more needle teeth. It took all of Izuna's willpower not to coo.

\- Zuzu-sama ! they chirped, let's wreck havoc !

That was it, Izuna had found his new best friend !

************

Tobirama was fuming as he was writing the report of his last mission (unfortunately the last solo mission he would ever do, since Hashirama seemed to have lost his mind), silently devising ways to get successfully rid of his brother's body when he would innevitably assassinate the big log. What had crawled up Hashirama's ass to think teaming him and Madara would be a good idea ?

He bared his teeth and growled, concentrated on his paperwork. A squeak was heard. He looked up to see Madara becoming increasingly red (and apparently bleeding from his nose too) behind his desk. Yes, because his traitor of a brother had apparently also thought sticking the two of them in the same office would not end in disaster. They had been forced to cohabit for barely an hour and Tobirama was already considering a political murder. 

If only the Uchiha could stop acting like an idiot ! He was absolutely unable to look at Tobirama in the eyes (which was taking the cake, coming from an Uchiha) and seemed to suffer from random nosebleed. At least he wasn't shouting insanities anymore, so at least there was that.

Tobirama was about to go back to his report when it happened.

"Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you..."

Madara's eyes widened as Tobirama looked around wildly.

"This is how I know you go on..."

Tobirama snarled, trying to locate where the music was coming, but to no avail.

"Far across the distance and spaces between us..!"

Someone was playing with them he just knew it.

"You have come to show you go on..."

Right eye twitching, Tobirama stood up from his desk.

"Near, far, wherever you are..!"

If he ever found the little shit responsible for this nonsense, he would kill them slowly and painfully !

"I believe that the heart does go on !"

************

Madara was trying not to sound like a boiling keetle, holding on to the edge of his desk like a drowning man would hold on to a lifeline. The wood was creaking under his fingers.

"Once more you open the door ! And you're here in my heart !"

Tobirama was prowling in the office, trying to find the source of the music, apparently unaware he was growling under his beath like a goddamn predator. And that was doing things to Madara's insides !!

"And my heart will go on and on !"

Usually, he would have been with Tobirama, trying to find the obvious prankster (because romantic songs were the ban of his existence). But right now, he was trying to convince his unexpected boner to cooperate with him and just disappear. It was Tobirama's fault, really ! Who came to the office wearing formfitting black clothes, that were perfectly showing off his toned and battlefit body, and damn Madara wanted these thights around his neck yesterday ?!!

Tobirama, apparently.

And as this wasn't enough, the damn music was putting images in Madara's mind. Thoughts of long walks in the forest with the white Senju, holding each others' hands, watching the sunset together, passionate and sweet lovemaking... He wanted to disappear underground.

"Love can touch just one time and last for a lifetime..!"

It was this moment Izuna chose to appear next to his helpless brother, grinning manically.

\- See, Aniki ? Even Fate think you should be together !

"And never let go till we're gone !"

Madara screamed. Surprised, Tobirama whipped on his heels and punched him in the face. Falling backward with his nose bloody, Madara would later realize it was at this exact moment he fell helpless and irrevocably in love with Tobirama Senju.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's just say that Celine Dion exist in the Naruto world !
> 
> Ki-chan was running in the airvents with a radio tapped to his back ^^
> 
> Been planning this chapter since the beginning of the fic and I'm proud of it :)


	9. Second ally : Uchiha Clan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madara comes back home with a broken nose.
> 
> His entire clan is convinced Tobirama started courting their Clan Head.
> 
> They try to help.
> 
> Izuna has never laughed so much in his whole life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a direct follow up from last chapter, where Tobi punched Madara in the face. He didn't know this was how Uchiha initiated courtship ^^

Madara came back home with a bloody nose, looking like he was on cloud nine, his face dreamy. As soon as he passed the gates of the compound, the guards started chatting excitedly. In a few minutes, the news had spread through the neighbourhood like wildfire.

Five minutes after Madara had came back home, someone knocked on his door. He opened it to find Aunt Kana, who was grinning madly.

\- So tell me boy ! the old woman cheered, I've heard that you received a courtship offer !!

Madara blushed to his hairline, remembering the events from earlier. He really didn't think Tobirama would be so bold. Maybe Izuna was right, maybe this was Fate...

\- Tell me this is this fine young man from the Senju, the one with a pert bottom who look like a Hatake !  
\- Hum, well...  
\- Because you know, my third husband was a Hatake ! Let me tell you, these folks are runners ! They have thights of steel and stamina for days !

Madara blushed even more, his treacherous mind suddenly filled with picture of Tobirama with way too little clothes to be decent. Furthermore, he knew Aunt Kana was right about Tobirama's thights, he had spent the entire day ogling them. Was it his fault if the Senju's pants left nothing to the imagination ?

\- Oh oh oh ! Boy, lemme tell you, you're one lucky fellow !

Madara wanted to disappear underground. A large part of the clan was gathered in front of his house, behind Aunt Kana, looking at him like sharks looked at a wounded prey.

With big smiles full of teeth.

Aunt Kana punched his side in support.

\- Come on lad ! she cheered, we're gonna help you get the guy !

************

Tobirama was suspicious. Very suspicious.

Madara had invited him to a spar. On the Uchiha training grounds. The paranoid part of his mind thought the Uchiha wanted to kill him and then burn his body without risking being seen. The more rationnal part of his mind - which sounded quite like Hashirama - thought Madara might want to try to get each other better, since they were stuck together for better of for worse (he was gonna get his revenge on Hashirama, he was just bidding his time, the big fool would never see it coming).

So Tobirama had accepted. Of course, he had told Mito, Toka and at least seven other people from different clans where he was going (not Hashirama, he didn't want to get cried on), he had mad sure he could reach several Hiraishin markers in case he feared for his life and needed to get out of the situation quickly.

He was ready.

Surprisingly, he was welcomed into the compound with big smiles and friendly waves. That made him even more suspicious. Especially since a few Uchiha (the worst being a little old lady with a bun and a cane) seemed a little manic, cackling softly under their breathes.

Trying to ignore that, he joined Madara on the training grounds. They quickly saluted each other. Madara seemed to have troubles looking at him in the face. Rolling his eyes, Tobirama took of his yukata, keeping only his leggings. He sensed more than he saw a flurry of Sharingans (starting with a blushing Madara's) coming to life. He raised a brow but said nothing, even if he could feel goosebumps on his arms.

The spar was intense and challenging. Tobirama appreciated that. Madara won three fights out of five, making him the de facto winner. All in all Tobirama admitted he had a good time. As he was about to grab his yukata to put it back on, he sensed Madara's chakra bubbling and jumped on the side just in time to dodge a fireball. It reached his yukata that caught on fire. The little old lady cheered loudly.

\- What the fuck ?! Tobirama snarled.

His right eye was twitching and his teeth were bared. His Hatake side had a tendency to show when he was furious.

\- Well, Madara said, his arms crossed on his chest and an honest to god pout, I'm doing my part...

Tobirama snapped.

A water dragon and a stranded half drowned Uchiha Clan Head later, he was stalking out of the pyromaniacs' compound, bare chested and huffing. Oddly, the Uchiha had cheered like crazy when he had attacked their leader, and Madara's chakra was bubbling with happiness.

Fucking crazy Uchiha.

************

Perched somewhere on a roof, with Ki-chan, Izuna was laughing his head off.

And he didn't even have to get involved !


	10. Third ally : Kagami

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madara decides to do something nice for Tobirama.
> 
> He gives him a student.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because little Kagami has to be Tobi's student ! It's law !

Mito was serenely sipping tea as a cheerful Izuna, backed by an enthousiastic Ki-chan, was recounting Madara's last stunt to her. Apparently, the Uchiha Clan Head, pushed by his delighted clanmates, had set Tobirama's paperwork on fire, which had resulted in yet another assassination attempt from the furious Senju. Apparently, Madara was now head over heels for her brother-in-law, convinced the two of them were soulmates. Mito chuckled, endlessly amused by the Uchiha strange traditions. She put her cup on the table as Izuna finished his story, grinning from ear to ear.

\- Very well, she said, so we've got Madara madly in love with Tobi, now we need to get Tobi in love with Madara...  
\- Yes. Something's telling me it's gonna be difficult.  
\- Indeed. My brother-in-law has always been quite resistant to feelings of any sort.

They considered the problem in silence for a few moments before Mito suddenly smirked.

\- I think I have an idea...

************

Madara was looking dubiously at his transparent brother.

\- You want me to what ?  
\- Come on, Aniki, I think you've made your claim now, and given the violence with which he reacts, he's clearly interested ! You have to up the ante ! Give him a big gift ! Butter him up ! Show him he means the world !  
\- So you want me to give him a child ?!  
\- I don't tell you to kidnap a kid to give them to him ! He's looking for students ! Propose him to take an Uchiha child as his pupil ! And like that, you'll have an insider spy to know what your crush likes !

The gears in Madara's head were spinning so fast steam was coming out of his ears. And finally, a big goofy smile split his face in two and he jumped on his feet.

\- This is an excellent idea ! I'm gonna do it !

He ran out of the house, his fluffy dark hair flapping behind him like a banner. Izuna snickered and went after him, not wanting to miss the show. He liked when a plan went without any hitch.

**************

Madara barreled in the playground where most Uchiha children (and their parents) were gathered at this hour of the day like a hurricane.

\- Okay pipsquicks ! he screeched, who wants to be Tobirama Senju's student ?!

The children (and the parents) started looking at him like he had a second head. Then the parent seemed to understand and grinned like sharks smelling blood. Then, a tiny boy with curly hair litterally appeared in front of Madara, his big dark eyes full of stars. Madara recognized Kagami, Kana's great-great-grandson.

\- The awesome mister with white hair ? he asked.  
\- Yes, him, Madara answered, panting a little.

The Uchiha adults were closing in on him, their eyes shining and their teeth bared in parodies of smiles. They were out for blood and gossip. Madara gulped.

\- Is it so you can marry him, Mada-shishou ? Kagami asked.  
\- Yes ! I need a trustful spy to help me seduce him !

A woman let out a creepy snicker. Madara was pretty sure it was Koto, who happened to be Kagami's aunt.

\- Me ! Kagami said jumping, me ! Please choose me, Mada-shishou !

Madara scooped the little boy in his arms.

\- Perfect ! he cried, I'm sure I can count on you !

Then he took off before his eager clanmates could corner him to interrogate him about how the courtship was going, for the seventh time this week. And they were only Wednesday.

************

Tobirama was angrily slashing through paperwork as if it had been enemies when an incredibly annoying signature registered to his senses. Growling, he stood up and bypassed his desk, ready to shield it if the crazy Uchiha was here to set his paperwork on fire like last time. Concentrating his chakra, he prepared a water senbon. This time, he wasn't gonna miss.

Madara barreled inside their shared office, panting, red in the face. The only thing that prevented Tobirama to spit a senbon in his face was the cheerful little boy the Uchiha Clan Head had in his arms. Before Tobirama could ask anything, Madara litterally shoved the kid in his arms.

\- I found you a student !

Tobirama looked at the kid, dumbfounded. The kid looked at Tobirama, ecstatic. They both blinked.

\- I am Kagami ! the boy cheered, will you be my sensei ?!

Tobirama blinked. And blinked again. And Madara could pinpoint the exact moment the Senju caved. A soft smile spread his lips, lighting his whole face, making him look softer, younger. Madara felt his heart beat against his ribcage like it wanted to burst out of his chest.

\- Of course, Kagami-kun, Tobirama answered.

The Senju looked at Madara, who was statufied, waiting with batted breath. Hum. Maybe that crazy Uchiha wasn't so bad after all.

\- Thank you, Madara, he said, because he was a polite man.

Madara fainted, smiling widely.


	11. Third ally : Kagami (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madara does not have the fainting monopoly.

Konoha quickly learned that Tobirama Senju had a weakness. A simple and extremely unexpected weakness. He seemed to be absolutely unable to say no to a little child. Kagami understood that instantly, and decided to use that newfound knowledge to help his shishou and his sensei get together. Grown-ups were so stupids sometimes, they needed a little help.

So Kagami decided to go ask for advice the only person he knew in the Uchiha Clan who was not stingy with information about her past amorous adventures. His great-grandmother, Kana Uchiha.

Izuna, who had a sixth sense for when shit was about to get real, followed the little boy with baited breath and a disturbing amount of glee, invisible.

************

"Say, Granny, how can I make Sensei fall in love with Shishou ?"

Kana blinked at her great-grandson over her cup of tea. Then a manical grin spread her lips.

"Oh oh oh ! Little one, here is what you are gonna do !"

************

Tobirama entered the Uchiha compound, on his guards. He had been welcomed here way more warmly since him and Madara started working together (to his growing bewilderment, because it also coincided with the moment he started regularly throwing water dragons to the Uchiha Clan Head's face (it was Madara's fault, the man should just stop setting his things on fire)), but old habits died hard.

Kagami had requested a bit of additionnal training today, but had say he couldn't leave the compound because he had to stay with his Granny. Tobirama had immediately proposed to come to Uchiha compound to train the little boy. He had the right, the kid was his student, Madara had accepted.

As he turned in a street in the direction he could feel Kagami's chakra, he was caught by a little old lady, with fuzzy grey hair in a bun, a cane and a slightly worrying manic expression. In a way, she reminded him of Aunt Hana, the doyenne from the Senju, who had the bad habit to corner people to tell them about her many marriages (with way too much details for anyone's peace of mind). The little lady grabbed his arm without asking if he was okay with it and smiled at him. Tobirama couldn't contain a shiver.

"Hello lad !" she cheered, "You must be my boy's teacher ! Follow me, he's on the playgrounds !"

"O... okay..." Tobirama said tentatively.

So this was Kagami's famous Granny, he supposed. She led her to the playgrounds, surprisingly spry for a woman of her age. He concentrated, sensing several signatures on the playgrounds. A certain number of children. But also, and oddly, Madara.

He frowned, wondering what the Clan Head was doing on the playgrounds. It was this moment that the annoying halucination from last time chose to materialize in front of him. It took all of Tobirama's self control not to jump out of his skin or make a sound of surprise. Izuna (because that was him) grinned from ear to ear.

"Prepare to have your mind blown, White Head !"

And with these enigmatic words, he disappeared. Tobirama raised a brow, wondering what the fuck the hallucination meant. But at this moment, they recahed the playgrounds. And Tobirama witnessed something he never thought her would ever see, even if he had lived a hundred lives.

Madara was in the middle of the playgrounds. He was wearing a large red cape over his Uchiha robes, as well a cardboard helmet which was supposed to be a dragon's head, also red. He was surrounded by small Uchiha children, who agitated little cardboard swords, cheering. Kagami was leading the charge.

"Down with the dragon!" the little boy cried, raising his cardboard sword.

The other children cried and rushed to overwhelm Madara, who spat a little ball of fire and faked a roar. He was quickly pushed on his back by enthousiastic children, and he squirmed to try to escape them.

"Oh no !" he cried, " I have been vanquished by the valliant Uchiha knights!"

And then he let his head fall on the side, mouth open, tongue hanging, pretending he was dead. The children cheered, celebrating their victory, Kagami perched on the Uchiha Clan Head's hip.

Meanwhile, Tobirama was having an internal breakdown. He never thought something like that was possible. Madara was good with kids. He became increasingly red, under Kana's sharp eyes. Madara was good with kids. His heart was beating so hard against his ribs it felt like it was gonna break them.

Madara was good with kids !

He didn't know, he didn't think... he just... fuck... he could not unsee this ! How would he be able to get angry at the Uchiha now ?! Impossible ! Fuck... he couldn't... he didn't...

Madara stood up, balancing a little girl on his hip, still wearing the costume.

"Oh, Senju." he said, "I didn't see you."

The little girl started munching on one of Madara's locks, agitating her sword. And it was too much for Tobirama. He could not compute this. He clutched his shirt, just over his heart, and fainted promptly.


	12. Third ally : Kagami (part 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobirama plays a damsel in distress. It's for the children.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hashirama makes his grand return in this chapter ^^
> 
> It takes place a few minutes after the previous chapter.

Tobirama woke up to someone patting his cheek. Disoriented, he blinked and came face to face with no other than Madara, still wearing his cape and his cardboard dragon helmet. The Senju inhaled sharply and wheezed. Madara seemed a little worried. Surrounding them, the Uchiha children and Kagami's granny were looking like predators having cornered their preys. This made goosebumps appear on Tobirama's skin.

"Are you okay Senju ?" Madara asked with genuine concern in his voice. This blew Tobirama's mind a little more than he already was. He already had troubles convincing himself that he hadn't hallucinated despite being faced with the truth. He gulped.

"Yeah ! Yeah, I'm okay ! I just... didn't slept last night ! I'm just tired !"

That seemed to reassure Madara. The Uchiha helped Tobirama on his feet and the young man shivered at the contact. Madara's hand was calloused and yet, the man had held a kid with such softness. Tobirama blushed.

No ! Bad Tobirama ! He shouldn't think about that ! He didn't even like the man ! He didn't, did he ?

"Sensei !" Kagami cheered, "Do you want to play with us ?!"

The other children cheered, agitating their little cardboard swords, some of them hanging themselves to Madara's and Tobirama's sleeves. Kagami's chakra was bubbling with mischiviousness, but Tobirama didn't see the danger. He smiled.

"Of course, Kagami," he said softly, "Do you want me to play a dragon too ?"

He could bear the ridicule for the children. It wouldn't be the first time. Except that Kagami looked at his granny before looking back at Tobirama, with a glint in his eyes that could only be qualified as evil. But Tobirama still didn't see the danger.

He actually saw it when the little boy produced a flower crown from somewhere on his little person. But it was too late to back off.

"No, you're gonna play the Princess that has been kidnapped by the dragon ! And we're gonna save you !"

The children cheered again. Kagami winked at his granny, who gave him a triumphant thumb-up, which totally passed over Tobirama's head, the young Senju too busy internally panicking. But he couldn't back off, he couldn't disappoint the children, it was just not done. He smiled, trying not to faint again.

"Of course, Kagami," he said.

He was gonna have to bury himself in a hole till the village forgot the whole thing. Breathing deeply, he took the flower crown (a pretty one with daisies, white carnations and white ribbons) and put it on his head, trying not to blush. Too busy wishing he could disappear there and then, he missed the way Madara's chakra was doing sommersaults.

************

Meanwhile, Madara was having an internal breakdown. He didn't know if he wanted to ground Kagami or to cover him with gifts. The boy was devious. He breathed sharply, willing his cock to stay soft. He would never live down if he popped a boner in front of the children.

But Tobirama was so cute (and so sexy also, in a strange way) with his flower crown and Madara had troubles controlling himself. Of course, it was this exact moment Izuna chose to appear in front of him, his trademark grin splitting his face in half.

The fucking traitor. 

His brother snickered and a feeling of impending doom washed over Madara. With reason.

"Hey Aniki," Izuna smirked, "will the big bad dragon subject the pretty princess to the last outrages ?"

Madara blushed instantly. To gain back his composure, he had no better idea than grab Tobirama by the waist and threw the Senju on his shoulder like a potato sack. He faked a roar and started running, despite Tobirama's protests.

"The dragon kidnapped the Princess !" Kagami roared, "Let's save her !"

They rushed after Madara and his "prisonner", screaming. Tobirama was squirming on Madara's shoulder.

"Play along Senju," Madara grumbled under his breath as he was dodging the kids' attacks.

The Senju's chakra did something complicated, then he heard the man clearing his throat several times and suddenly...

"Oh no !" a distinctly feminine voice cried, "I've been taken by the cruel dragon ! Will there be a valliant knight to save me ?!!"

Madara's brain stopped functionning all at once, his blood hesitating between rushing to his face or to his cock. Why nobody warned him Tobirama could do that ?! Too surprised to think, Madara just stopped running. He was instantly trampled by a horde of children.

Tobirama escaped his hold and when Madara managed to look up (two of the kids had produced a rope from somewhere and trussed him up), the younger man was holding Kagami in his arms, blushing, the flower crown still on his head. He cleared his throat.

"Thank you for saving me, valliant knight," he said, his voice normal again.

He put Kagami on the ground, the little boy bouncing on his heels. Madara huffed, a smile playing on his lips. Of course, it was at this exact moment that Hashirama of all people barreled on the playgrounds. Tobirama froze like a deer in the headlights.

"Tobiiiiiiiii !!!!" Hashirama wailed joyfully, his arms extended, "You're getting along with Madara ! I am so happy !! Let me play with you !!!!"

Tobirama reacted extremely fast, Madara had to acknowledge that. He jumped to the trussed up Uchiha Clan Head, grabbed him by the shoulder and hiraishined them out of here.

They landed somewhere in the forest. Madara quickly got rid of the ropes binding him. The two men were blushing so much their faces were probably glowing. Finally, Tobirama cleared his throat, crossed his arms on his chest and looked elsewhere, blushing. The flower crown was still here, even if a little askew.

"I... didn't know you were so good with children..." he muttered.

Madara didn't react yet, having to process what the Senju had just said. When it finally hit him, he clutched his heart, butterflies fluttering in his belly.


	13. Fourth ally : Hatake Clan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hikaku would have liked not to be involved with the whole "courting Tobirama Senju" madness, for his own peace of mind.
> 
> Unfortunately for him, Karma is a bitch and the Hatake have the most embarrassing customs ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did promise the Hatake Matriach, here she comes !
> 
> Prepare for the madness !

Izuna barelled inside the Senju Head House's living room, where Mito was usually taking tea at this hour.

"Mito !" he screeched with a big smile on his face,"you will never guess what they did today ! Kana is a fucking genius !"

It was at this moment that he noticed that the Uzumaki Princess wasn't alone in the room. There was another woman in front of her. Tall, lean, with muscles rolling under the bare skin of her arms, somewhere in her fifties, with long wild silver hair and grey eyes. There was a feral glint in her eyes and Izuna didn't need to look at the mon on her garments to know who it was.

Sara Hatake, Matriarch of the Hatake Clan, White Scourge of the East.

And if Izuna remembered well, she was Tobirama and Hashirama's aunt on their mother's side. He blinked, looking quizzically at Mito, who still seemed as serene as ever. Sara frowned and straightened up, sniffing the air. Izuna briefly wondered if she could smell him, even if she couldn't see him. Which was ridiculous, since he was a ghost.

But the Hatake were an odd crew, and with them, you always had surprises.

"Izuna-san," Mito said nicely, but with a tone that would suffer no refusal,"could you please show yourself to our guest ?"

Izuna obeyed. He trusted Mito on that one, she always had good ideas. Sara raised a brow, before snorting. She stood up and circled Izuna like a predator, looking him up and down. The young Uchiha was feeling really small.

"So you really are a ghost," she growled before sitting back on her cushion,"Mito told me a story about pairing my nephew and your brother for the balance of the world. 's that true ?"

"Yes, ma'am," Izuna immediately answered.

She started roaring with laughter, which made her sound like a howling wolf. Izuna inched toward Mito, a little scared, despite being intangible.

"No need to be so polite, firecracker !"

She downed her cup of tea in one go, still snickering.

"So, Sara-sama," Mito started,"are you open to helping us ?"

"Of course ! This promises to be loads of fun ! Furthermore, my nephew needs to settle down ! T'is not good to still be alone at his age ! And your brother looks like he'll make a good alpha ! I'm gonna help you, count on the Hatake !"

"Formidable !" Izuna cheered (for an unknown reason, he felt like Madara was going to suffer, and that delighted him),"how do you want to do that ?"

There was a worrying manic glint in Sara's grey eyes when she looked at him. Izuna gulped and grinned.

"Tell me, lad, what do you know about the Hatake courting traditions ?"

************

Hikaku was peacefully buying his groceries when he was suddenly caught by two sturdy Hatake men, in armor, with their silver hair in a top knot. They grabbed one of his arms each, litterally hauling him off the ground (damn Uchiha genes and damn height difference) before starting to walk in the Hatake compound's direction.

"Wha...!?"

"Hikaku-san," the man on his right drawled,"the Matriarch wishes to see you. Please follow us."

Hikaku helplessly kicked his feet, which still weren't touching the ground. Like he had any other choice.

Somehow, he knew this was Madara-sama's fault !

************

Madara was doing his paperwork when Hikaku dashed inside his office, red as a boiled lobster, looking haunted. He was carrying a little inlaid box and was breathless and covered in sweat, like he had run fast. His right eye twitwhing, he slammed the box on the desk in front of Madara's desk. The Clan Head raised a brow, wondering what had crawled up his cousin's ass.

"Hikaku ?" he tried.

"I just met the Hatake Matriarch," his cousin said briskly, twitching,"she had learnt about the fact you're courting her nephew."

Madara froze. Oh fuck ! He had forgotten that Tobirama was the White Scourge's nephew. Was he about to get castrated by a furious Hatake ?

"She is delighted about it," Hikaku continued, and Madara sagged in relief,"she told me to give you that." He pointed at the box."That you should give it to Tobirama-sama when you finally... tie the knot..."

Madara opened the box, and all color fled his face (but that was because his blood had rushed south) when he came face to face with a leather colar, ornamented with the Uchiha and Senju mon, forged in silver and nailed into the leather. Madara's mind helpfully provided him with a picture of Tobirama wearing nothing but this collar.

"She also added that the two of you should look like you had been mauled by wild beasts after you collared him, otherwise the Hatake won't accept your claim," Hikaku added, and he looked like his soul had departed his body saying that.

Madara frankly didn't care about his cousin's qualms at the moment. He was too busy trying to contain his boner and bleeding from his nose. With a creepy grin, his hands clutched on the collar, he fainted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tobirama is next ^^


	14. Fourth ally : Hatake Clan (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izuna is in love with the Hatake traditions.

When Tobirama came back from work this evening, his mind still filled with images of Madara being good with kids (because apparently, his brain was a dirty traitor and didn't want to let that go), it was to find his aunt lounging on his couch, having plundered his wine cellar and drinkng sake. Tobirama sighed and sat in front of her, making no comment. He loved his aunt dearly after all, even if sometimes, he wished she wasn't so nosy about about his private life (even though she claimed it was because she was worried about him).

"Aunt Sara ? Is there something you wanted to tell me ?"

"Can't I just come to visit my favourite nephew ?"

He looked pointedly at her, and she snorted before litterally inhaling her cup of sake (Tobirama and Hashirama had a decent resistance to alcohol, like any Senju, but Sara still managed to drink them both under the table and come off just barely tipsy).

"Fine," she said putting her cup on the table,"what do you think of Madara Uchiha ?"

Tobirama blinked. And then he blushed to his hairline, feeling his cheeks heat up in a spectacular fashion. Why would she want to know that ?! Surely she couldn't believe he had feelings for him ?! Ha !! Ridiculous !! He didn't have feelings for Madara (even if the man was very good with kids, surprisingly kind, a good leader, a good warrior, not bad looking at all, and Tobirama had been wondering all day what his naked hands would feel on his skin) ! Sara smirked and Tobirama cleared his throat.

"He's a decent colleague," he said, not looking at his aunt,"a good warrior, and surprisingly good with children. I don't mind working with him."

Sara stayed silent for a few minutes, staring at her nephew so intently it took all of Tobirama's willpower not to squirm, and then a wicked smile split her face in two. Tobirama barely restrained a whimper. He knew that face. It meant trouble (Hashirama often told him he had the same face when working on jutsu, but Tobirama disagreed).

Before he could do ar say anything, Sara had jumped on her feet and thrown a bundle of clothes to her nephew's face.

"I'm planning a Hunt tomorow ! Be at the compound at eight and wear that !"

She left the room with a room and a spring in her steps. Tobirama looked at the clothes and groaned. For fuck's sake, he thought he had managed to get rid of them !

************

Madara was coming back from a meeting with the Uchiha Elders (who had pestered him about when he would finally ravish Tobirama) when he was suddenly cornered against a wall by a very scary Hatake Matriarch. With a smile that could only be qualified as vicious, she shoved a bag of clothes into his hands.

"Be at our compound tomorrow at eight and wear that, Uchiha," she growled before turning on her heels and sauntering out of the Uchiha compound.

Madara blinked, feeling the eyes of his clanmates on him, curious and avid for gossip. Dumbfounded, he opened the bag, looked at the clothes, proceeded to swallow his tongue and then hacked a lung to find his breath again. Of course, it was the moment his brother's ghost chose to appear and give his opinion.

"Damn ! The Hatake are not fucking around ! Do you think Tobirama will wear the same thing ?"

Madara wished for the sweet embrace of death just so he could punch his brother for putting these images in his brain. His dick, however, very much agreed with Izuna.

************

The Uchiha Clan Head had to admit that the Hatake were, indeed, not fucking around. He had put the garment on and showed at the Hatake compound at eight (because history had shown that angering the White Scourge never was a good idea). The crowd, men and women alike, were wearing the same outfit as Madara.

A leather thong, assless leather pants that looked like a second skin, a leather bolero with seals etched in the back and silver-thread embroideries. They were also wearing the furpelt Madara was used to seeing on Tobirama's shoulders, each a different color (Sara had given Madara a jet black fur pelt, and the thing was heavier than he thought). They were also wearing silver jeweleries, glittering on their skin, and war paints. The women's chests were bare, like the men's, their breasts proudly on display.

Madara gulped. He was feeling a little naked and tight in this outfit. His cheeks were red and he was trying as best as he could to look at his feet, not to be distracted by rolling muscles.

Which became suddenly very difficult when Tobirama appeared, a few feet away from him.

The Senju was wearing the same outfit, but unlike Madara, who was feeling a little bit ridiculous in it, it seemed to have been tailored for him. It was highlighting his muscles, showing off his endless powerful legs and his tight ass, putting his abs and pectorals on display. And only now Madara noticed that Tobirama's tattoos were actually covering his whole body. His mind blanked and his mouth dried. He breathed deeply, praying his dick would behave.

If he popped a boner here, he was gonna end as dead meat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of this was just an excuse to shove Tobirama and Madara into highly formfitting and highly impractical outfits ^^


	15. Fourth ally : Hatake Clan (part 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobirama and Madara suffer through the brunt of an Hatake Hunt, as well as Izuna's enthousiasm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tobi's a bit competitive ^^

Tobirama was trying not to panic, doing his best to look as impassive as possible. Because first, he was half-naked in front of Madara (damn his mother's clan and their strange fascination with exhibitionism !). But also (and especially !) Madara was half-naked in front of him.

The Uchiha Clan Head had been forced into the Hatake traditionnal Hunt outfit (and Tobirama wondered briefly how his aunt managed to convince the Uchiha, before thinking she had probably scared him into doing it) and it was showing off his strong arms (Tobirama was not salivating, he was not) and his large chest, and Tobirama wanted to curl into these arms and let the Uchiha cuddle him. He shook his head quickly to chase the thought away. Madara's mane was kept up in a ponytail and it was highlighting his face, making him look younger, and the jet-black furpelt was doing wonders on his shoulders.

Tobirama inhaled sharply. Next to him, his aunt was cackling quietly under her breath. Tobirama glared daggers at her but she only grinned wider. Suddenly, he felt a chill on the right side of his body and he looked from the corner of his eyes to see Hallucination Izuna drapped on his side, grinning manically.

"So ?" the dead Uchiha snickered,"what do you think of my brother ?"

"Get lost," Tobirama snarled under his breath.

Izuna laughed and jumped away from Tobirama, but he didn't disappear. Sara cleared her throat, to gather the attention of her clanmates and their guest, before roaring.

"LET THE HUNT BEGIN !!!"

With warcries, the Hatake approved and rushed into the forest, on the heels of their Matriarch.

************

Madara, not really knowing what to do, had followed the movement. A friendly Hatake woman had explained him that there was a herd of deers inside the forest and that the goal of the Hunt was catching the bigger male. Not killing or wounding, just catching. Apparently, the Hatake hunted for fun when they weren't hungry.

By a stroke of luck, Madara found himself right next to Tobirama during the first minutes of the Hunt, and he could only admire the way the younger man was running, fast and without hitches, almost like he weighted nothing, like he was one with the forest.

And then, a large Hatake man bodyslammed into Tobirama and sent the Senju straight into Madara's arms. The two men fell on the forest ground, entangled, Madara on his back and Tobirama sprawled on him, their faces inches from one another. By reflex, Madara had caught the young man and his hands were resting just above Tobirama's ass. The Senju's eyes were crossing as he was trying really hard not to stare at Madara.

The Uchiha Clan Head was about to say something when he was interrupted by a cackling Hatake woman.

"Now's not the time, lovebirds !!" she drawled as she passed by.

The two shinobi became beet-red and jumped on their feet. Madara flailed.

"Sorry ! Sorry !" he prattled as he tried to dust Tobirama without touching the white skin, which was kinda difficult given their outfits.

"It's okay," Tobirama said.

He looked at his cousins, sneered and grabbed Madara by the hand, before starting to run again, dragging the bewildered Uchiha with him.

"We're going to win this Hunt, Uchiha !" he growled.

Madara moaned. And Izuna appeared next to him, a shark smile on his translucent lips.

"You were so cute like that, brother !" he cheered as he floated next to Madara.

Madara was to busy being dragged like a potato sack to flip him the bird. But he didn't think any less.

************

Tobirama knew something was up. Dirty tricks were widespread during a Hunt, but it was the seventh time since the beginning of this one that one of his cousins had tried to push him into Madara. Fortunately, he knew all their tricks and was able to avoid them, despite having to protect Madara from the Hatake's ruthlessness. Because once they had understood they wouldn't be able to trick Tobirama, theyhad set their sights on Madara. The poor Uchiha had barely avoided bodily harm several times.

But it would end soon. Tobirama was seeing the stag, just a furlong away. He could already smell the sweet scent of victory (that would teach his cousins not to mess with him). Grunting with effort, he grabbed Madara by the waist, threw the man on his shoulder like a potato sack, concentrated all his chakra into his legs, and with a warcry, rushed forward, distancing all his cousins.

As he was about to touch the rear of the stag, his aunt surged out of nowhere, a wicked grin on her lips, and bodyslammed into him just as she touched the fleeing deer, winning the Hunt.

With an offended yowl, Tobirama and his charge were sent sprawling on the ground, the young man ending once again on top of Madara, the Uchiha bare hands on his lower back. Tobirama blushed to his hairline (damn, this was better than he thought). Madara was about to start flailing when suddenly Hallucination Izuna appeared next to the entangled pair, with a manic face.

"Damn, Tobi ! The two of you look good like this ! Are you sure you don't want to let Madara tap that ?!"

And before Tobirama could do anything, Izuna had slapped his ass and a cold shiver ran up the Senju's spine, fast as lightning. He tensed and let out a surprised gasp, which effect was to make Madara's chakra explode in lust.

Tobirama looked down, Madara looked up, seeming like his soul had departed his body. And then the Hatake surrounded them, laughing, and Tobirama let himself fall on Madara, hiding his face in the other's hair while Madara gripped his shoulders, red as a tomato.

Maybe if he prayed hard enough, the ground would swallow them whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little note : the Hatake were seeing Izuna during the Hunt ;)


	16. Fifth (reluctant) ally : Hashirama

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hashirama finally sees the light and understands that Madara is interested in his pure and innocent little brother. He reacts... in a not-as-murderous-as-expected way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back on this story ! Sorry for the lateness, inspiration had kinda deserted me :/
> 
> Hope you will like this new chapter !

Mito, Izuna and Sara had met to discuss the sucess of their latest stunt. Sara was grinning from ear to ear and a wolf-like way, Izuna couldn't stop snickering, remembering the stunned faces of Madara and Tobirama when the Senju had finally understood that the Uchiha had the hots for him. Mito was still as poised as a queen, but there was an underlying hint of mischeviousness in her bubbling chakra.

"So !" Sara started,"looks like my nephew finally understood that y'er brother wants him !"

Izuna nodded frantically.

"Yes ! Now, it's either he gets it through his head and starts reciprocating, or he buries himself into a hole and doesn't come out until the village falls in ruins."

He grimaced. If it was the later, they had decided they would try the reinforced closet. Mito chuckled gleefully.

"Don't worry, Izuna-san," she said,"I don't think Tobirama will pose a problem. He likes novelty and experiments. Once he will get over his break-down, you can be sure he will be after Madara. No, I think the one who might pose a problem will be Hashirama..."

"Ah !" Sara scoffed,"Tree-head still thinks Tobi's a special pure and innocent snowflake who has to be protected ?"

"My husband can be a little blind to the fact that Tobirama is an adult who can takes his own decisions," Mito sighed.

"So we need to test the waters ?" Izuna asked,"and makes sure he will accept that Madara and Tobirama are courting ?"

"Indeed," Mito answered,"especially since he might be the first person Tobirama will run to after he accepts his feelings for Madara..."

Izuna made a face and sighed, dragging a hand down his face.

"I'm gonna ensure he doesn't try to castrate my brother," he huffed.

************

Tobirama was tossing in turning in his bed, buried under several heavy blankets. It was the middle of the day, but he didn't care. His face was burning and his heart was beating a staccato against his chest. The more time passed, the less he was managing to convince himself that he had imagined Madara's chakra spike in lust during the Hunt yesterday. All of that in reaction to him.

His face glowed and he buried his face in his pillow, groaning. No, nonono ! It could be possible ! Madara wasn't having... feelings or any other kind of... things toward him (he certainly didn't ! He was feeling nothing toward Madara ! Nothing at all ! No).

Then Tobirama thought about all the times Madara had set his stuff on fire. At the moment, he had thought the Uchiha Head was trying to aggravate him at all costs, but now... (what were the Uchiha courting traditions ?). And then there has been Kagami, and the day at the playground. Tobirama felt his face heat so much he feared he was gonna faint, as his mind was filled with pictures of Madara in a dragon costume, carting him around the playgrounds (and Tobirama had liked the easyness with which the Uchiha had tossed him on his shoulder and run (Tobirama was by no way a light man, but Madara had manhandled him like he weighted nothing and it was doing things to Tobirama's insides)).

And then he thought about how handsome Madara had looked in the Hatake traditionnal hunting garment and with a cry he surged from under his nest of blankets and banged his head against the wall several times, till his treacherous brain stopped showing him these pictures.

He was feeling nothing for Madara, dammit !

Except spite, and anger, and maybe begrudging respect and maybe he wanted to feel the Uchiha's calloused hands on his skin and...

Argh !!!

Tobirama fell back face first on his bed and whined into his pillow.

He needed more information about the whole situation and fortunately, he knew where he could get them.

************

Kagami's grin was splitting his chubby face in half as he was explaining the Uchiha courting traditions to his sensei, whose face was glowing more and more with each passing second. Kagami felt like jumping up and down with glee.

Finally, his shishou and his sensei would get together ! It would be great !

Sensei sighed and dragged before ruffling Kagami's curly black hair gently.

"Thank you Kagami," he said, before jumping on his feet and fleeing like a frightened doe. Kagami had to tell the good new to his Aunt Kana.

************

Hashirama was peacefully pruning his bonsai when Tobirama, face red and eyes wild, crashed through his window and grabbed him by the shoulders, looking haunted. Hashirama felt his worry spike. Did something happened to his baby brother ?! Was Tobirama in danger ?! Hashirama would tear to shredds anybody trying to lay a hand on his pure and innocent baby brother !

However, he wasn't prepared for the words that left Tobirama's mouth.

"Anija, Madara's been courting me."

Hashirama blinked. Tobirama was panting and looking entirely serious. Hashirama's killing intent started leaking out of him and the floor started sprouting vines.

"Madara," he repeated slowly, his eyes narrowing dangerously. He took Tobirama's hands in his and smiled softly.

"Give me a second, Tobi, I need to have a talk with my dear friend..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At the other end of the village, Madara shivers and he doesn't understand why (yet) ^^


	17. Fifth (reluctant) ally : Hashirama (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madara gets stuck in a box, Tobirama plays dumb, the Uchiha try to help, Hashirama is murderous and Izuna saves the day (and his brother's ass).

Blinking dumbly, Tobirama watched as Hashirama stomped out of the room, cheerful killing intent leaking out of him in lazy waves. He briefly wondered why his brother had reacted like that, before blushing madly when he understood. Oh gods, Hashirama thought Madara wanted to...

Tobirama slapped both hands on his face and screeched. Then, feeling a little bit calmer, he rushed after his brother. He didn't want him to kill Madara on Tobirama's behalf !! He was just a little flabbergasted and tended to go to his brother when he was feeling like that ! Furthermore, Madara had done nothing wrong, and Tobirama wasn't a helpless maiden in need of protection, he could take care of himself !

(Also, maybe he actually wanted Madara's attentions... he had just been surprised ! Hashirama didn't need to go on the warpath over that !)

Decided to repair his mistake, Tobirama extended his senses, spotted Madara and Hiraishined next to him.

************

Madara, who was minding his own business at the Uchiha compound, picking vegetables at the market, suddenly felt a wave of killing intent (who had triggered Hashirama, dammit ?) wash over the village and he shivered, without really understanding why, but he had the feeling that he was in danger.

The next second, Tobirama popped next to him in a flash, looking a little wild around the eyes (and he was blushing too, and Madara internally cooed, because the Senju was so cute). Madara screeched in surprise, but before he could ask what was the meaning of this, Tobirama had grabbed him by the wrist before shoving him in a large metal box that was usually used to store tomatoes. This one was thankfully empty.

"Do not make a sound if you want to live," the Senju whispered hushedly. And then he closed the lid with a snap and Madara was locked in the darkness. He blinked dumbly. What the fuck...?!

************

Tobirama just had the time to close the box and sit on it before Hashirama appeared in the middle of the Uchiha market, looking around murderously and foaming at the mouth. He quickly spotted Tobirama, who waved awkwardly, trying to look as innocent as possible. The box he was sitting on started rattling and he kicked it to make Madara shut up.

"Tobi !" Hashirama exclaimed,"what are you doing here ?"

"I just came to visit a friend," Tobirama said, waving at a nearby merchant,"Hello Kato !"

Kato waved back awkwardly. Tobirama was thankful for his paranoia, that had pushed him to learn all the Uchiha names, just in case. Hashirama seemed to buy the excuse, because he jumped on a screeching Tobirama and engulfed him in a teary bear hug.

"My baby brother has made friend with the Uchiha ! I am so proud of you, Tobi !!!"

Around them, the Uchiha had gathered, curious. Tobirama saw several Sharingan on. Finally, he managed to get Hashirama to free him and to breathe.

"Tell me, Tobi," Hashirama asked with a friendly yet murderous smile,"have you seen Madara ?"

Tobirama prayed Madara would keep quiet and decided to play dumb.

"Who ?" he blurted. He immediately started sweating, because Hashirama might play harmless goof in public, but that didn't mean he was stupid. His brother started squinting but before he could say anything, a little old lady with a bun, that Tobirama recognized as Kagami's granny, hailed him.

"Ah, Hokage-sama ! Have you come here to give Madara-sama your blessing ?!" she bellowed (and Tobirama would forever be beffudled that such an old and tiny lady had such good lungs).

"My blessing for what ?" Hashirama asked suspiciously.

"For marrying your brother, of course ! They've been courting for weeks now, it's time they take things up a notch !"

Hashirama squinted at Tobirama, still sitting on his box, and the young man smiled dumbly, like he didn't understand what was going on (granted, he had only understood what the fuck was going on an hour prior, you couldn't blame him for still being a little stunned, right ?). But before Hashirama could start his grand number of Over-Protective Big Brother (TM), Kagami's granny interrupted him again.

"They are perfect for each other !" she cried.

"And they would make such a cute couple !" Another Uchiha woman - that Tobirama recognized as Kagami's aunt, Koto - clamoured, smiling a little too widely to be honest.

Speaking of Kagami, the little boy popped in front of Hashirama like a daisy and started bouncing excitedly.

"And they should get married, because my shishou loves my sensei, and my sensei loves my shishou, and when grown-ups love each other they get married, don't they, Hokage-sama ?" he cheered.

"And if that allows me to get my sanity back, I'd gladly lock them up in a closet," Hikaku groaned, his right eyebrow twitching dangerously.

Still sitting on his rattling box, Tobirama had more and more difficulties to maintain his composure, because oh gods, the whole clan knew, weren't they ?! He kicked the rattling box again, absent-mindedly. Hashirama was looking a little flabbergasted and his killing intent was decreasing.

The last straw (for both Tobirama and Hashirama) came when Hallucination Izuna appeared next to him out of nowhere and drapped himself on the Hokage's side as if they were old friend and he wasn't... well, an hallucination. Hashirama looked at him and blinked. And Tobirama's bullshit sense started blaring an alarm in his head. If Izuna was an hallucination, how come Hashirama seemed to see him too ?! He almost missed Izuna's words.

"Think about it, Senju," the hallucination drawled,"if Madara marries Tobirama, he will be your brother too. Isn't it what you have always wanted ? Senju and Uchiha united as one. It would be the ultimate show of peace !"

Hashirama squinted, apparently thinking hard, and Tobirama did his best not to do something stupid (like jump forward to try to catch Izuna, because one, he would probably sprawl face first on the ground and look like an idiot, and two, it would give Madara the occasion to escape the box, and while Hashirama's killing intent had been mostly placated, it was still there !). Then Hashirama looked back at Izuna.

"If it's platonic, then I am okay to let Madara marry Tobirama," he said, smiling.

"Of course !" Izuna teased,"entirely platonic ! Just hand holding and eskimo kisses ! Nothing more !"

His words were belied by the winks he kept sending Tobirama, and the young Senju was so red in the face he felt like he was boiling inside. Hashirama smiled widely, cheerfulness leaking out of him like killing intent had earlier.

"Then it's decided !" he bellowed to the Uchiha,"I give my blessing to Madara to court and marry my brother ! Where is he by the way ?!"

Of course, because the universe hated Tobirama and reveled in his suffering, it was at this exact moment Madara somehow managed to blow up the lid of the box and sent him up in the sky, Tobirama screeching in surprise. When he fell back, pulled by gravity, Madara caught him bridal style.

They looked at each other, both of them as poleaxed as the other, and then at their audience, Hashirama cooing, the Uchiha smiling like sharks and Izuna laughing his ass off.

They both started sweating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tada !
> 
> We're nearing the end, folks ! I think there will be more or less five more chapters before this story is completed :)
> 
> On a totally unrelated note, I've reread His Dark Materials, and had an idea loosely based on this. Who would be up for a story with traumatized-war-veteran Tobirama somehow adopting traumatized-little-street-girl Kushina, and them fleeing from the church who wants to kill Kushina because they think she is a demon who will destroy the world ? There will be witch Mito, inquisitor Madara, Izuna and Hashirama, and it will be sad.


	18. Manifestation of feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They finally see the light !

Tobirama's face was glowing so much he feared he was going to faint at any given moment, and Madara, still carrying him bridal style while standing in a tomato-storage box, had steam coming out of his ears. To make the whole situation even more mortifying, they were surrounded by the entirety of the Uchiha Clan (most of them had their Sharingan on and were recording shamelessly, the traitors !) and Hashirama, who was curently cooing at how cute they were, had just given Madara his blessing for marrying Tobirama.

The young Senju would have liked to bury himself in a hole, like, yesterday. He had just discovered that he was being courted and that he might be interested in Madara, and his stupid brother was already talking about marriage ! What had his life become ?

Somehow, deep down inside himself, he knew this was Izuna's fault. The hallucination was looking way too proud of himself for it not to be the case. Tobirama squinted at the annoying ghostly Uchiha, despite his state of fluster. He was onto him and he was gonna get his revenge an the weasel, even if he had to ressurect him for that (that would make a good courting gift for Madara, wouldn't it ? A living little brother. He'd have to work on that...).

Madara took a deep breath and looked at a still glowing Tobirama.

"I'm going to run," he squeaked, his face flaming.

And he did, jumping out of his tomato box and scramming as fast as he could. Tobirama grabbed him by the throat for support and screeched, the wind howling in his ears. The Uchiha Clan gave chase, cheering, led by Kagami's granny. And Hashirama with them, screaming that they'd better not consumate the marriage before the official ceremony, and if they'd preferred doves or pigeons for the wedding.

Tobirama, unable to bear this masquerade any longer, hiraishined both of them out of there. They landed in his bedroom, in the nest of blankets he had made to hide himself, and Tobirama coiled himself around Madara like a snake and pulled the blanket to cover both of them. He infused chakra in his wards to reinforce them.

"Wha..?!" Madara started, indignant, but Tobirama slapped both his hands on the Uchiha mouth to shut him up.

"If we don't make a sound, they're not gonna find us," he hushed, his face still fairly red.

It was at this moment that he heard a mocking voice that made a shiver tickle down his face.

"Oh, look at you two lovebirds ! You are so cute !"

Screeching, Tobirama and Madara surged from behind the blankets to come face to face with a laughing Izuna. Tobirama deflated like a pierced balloon while Madara started stammering something at the hallucination. It was at this moment that Tobirama's brain caught up.

"Wait," he interrupted,"you can see him ?"

"What ? Yes, of course I see him !"

Madara was fluffed up a like a ruffled goose. Tobirama squinted (screw the courting gift, he was gonna ressurect this little fucker just so he could kill him again) and looked assessively at Izuna, who visibly shivered (having been on the painful receiving end of this paticular gaze enough times to know that you'd better scram when it appeared, even if you were dead, because when not flustered to hell and back, Tobirama Senju was a vicious little shit) and took this as his cue to leave.

Meanwhile, Madara's brain finally started working and he gaped at Tobirama.

"Wait ! You see him too ?!!"

Tobirama winced from the volume.

"Yes, I do," he simply said.

Madara started flailing and Tobirama couldn't help but finding it cute.

"I thought I was the only one who saw him ! I thought he was a manifestation of my subconscious trying to get me to accept my feelings !!"

Tobirama blinked.

"I just thought he was an hallucination."

"Wait... do you hallucinate my brother often ?"

"It happens sometimes during the war. I knew it was an hallucination because he was saying stupid shit. When I saw him again, a few weeks ago, I just thought it was starting again..."

Madara gaped like a goldfish.

"Ah." he very cleverly said.

Tobirama snorted despite himself. And Madara blushed. Which had the effect to make to Tobirama blush. Then they noticed they were litterally lying in the same bed, squeaked and jumped out of it, each of them on a side, still blushing. Tobirama cleared his throat, trying to get his composure back.

"So," he started in a voice as even as he could,"we are apparently haunted by the ghost of Izuna..."

"Seems so..." Madara said, while visibly squirming (and Tobirama had to bite his tongue, because fuck, it was cute ! and his traitorous brain was adding this to the memory of Madara disguised as a dragin to play with the children, and goddammit ! Tobirama didn't need anymore reason to blush !!).

"And the ghost of Izuna wants us to... get married... and do... things..."

Tobirama stopped there. If he said anymore words, he was gonna faint. Madara wasn't looking like he was faring any better. Tobirama took a deep breath and looked straight at Madara, who tensed a little.

"I... don't mind the idea," he managed to blurt before his brain convinced itself not to talk. That made Madara smile like a child in front of a jar of cookies and Tobirama had to bite the inside of his cheeks not to smile to. How a man so terrifying on the battlefield could be so cute was beyond him.

He inhaled and continued.

"I wasn't aware I was being courted until now, because our traditions are very different. But I don't mind. Really."

If Madara didn't stop looking so happy, he would probably leave the ground through the sheer force of delight.

"However," Tobirama finished,"since you courted me the Uchiha way, I... wish to reciprocate your courting the Senju way, if you would allow me ?"

"Anything you want," Madara sighed dreamily.

This was stronger than Tobirama, he started laughing.

************

Three days later, Madara found three gardening treaties on his doorstep.


	19. Sixth ally : Senju Clan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things keep appearing in Madara's garden. He doesn't mind at all.

Toka and Tajuma Senju were first cousins on their mothers' side, had sensibly the same age and had grown together. They had played babysitters, and later teachers to their little cousins, Hashirama and Tobirama. They loved them as if they were their brothers, but both of them had a special soft spot for Tobirama, the baby of the group, who had a knack to find himself into trouble. Or to innocently cause it, because science was his true and ultimate love, and the boy didn't understand the meaning of reasonable limits.

(The Senju still remembered the zombie uprising that had followed his attempt at necromancy. Never again. Butsuma-sama had screamed himself hoarse at his second son, who had tried to explain how logical the whole situation was, and seriously father, it was for science, stop being so dramatic, you sound like an Uchiha... It was the first and only time Butsuma-sama had grounded Tobirama (the man had always had a soft spot for the little terror).

Hashirama had cried all the tears in his body, and his phobia of all things linked to ghosts and zombies had started this very day (they were lucky the Uchiha had never learnt about that particular tidbit of information). At least three Elders had had a heart attack, the compound had been a mess and had smelt like death for weeks.

Tobirama had been forbidden to ever try necromancy ever again, swear it on the graves of our ancestors Tobi ! and while he had pouted, and whined about being oppressed by narrow-minded idiots, and all over had been fucking dramatic, in an adorable way (the boy could tell after his brother and his father, he wasn't better then them, his drama was just more quiet), he had finally agreed.

No more zombies for Tobirama.)

All of that to say that despite the boy being a terror with zero preservation instincts, Toka and Takuma (and the rest of the Senju, no matter how much they still grumble about the Z incident) loved their baby cousin and wanted him to be happy. They wouldn't lie and say they hadn't been surprised when they (and the whole village too, because Hashirama was nothing if not loud as fuck) had learnt that Madara Uchiha of all people had been courting their little cousin, that he wanted to marry him and that Hashirama had given them his blessing.

(Toka wasn't even surprised. It was surprisingly easy to get Hashirama on board for something. You just had to say the words peace, happiness, dream or croissant and he would agree to anything you proposed, no matter how crazy it might sound.)

However, they had been more surprised when Tobirama had told them that no, Hashirama hadn't gone delirious, that yes, the Uchiha Clan Head was courting him, and no he didn't have any problem with that, in fact he would like a little help to court him back, pretty please with a cherry on top, you're my favorite cousins !

Toka had been dubious about it for one minute. After, she had seen Madara Uchiha, Scourge of the Battlefield, look at her baby cousin like an awestruck puppy, and okay... she might not like the Uchiha, but she recognized a fool in love when she saw one.

Gods knew the Senju had had enough training with that, with how Hashirama had (and was still) looking at Mito as if she had hung the moon and the stars in the sky.

So of course, Toka and Takuma had accepted, one because it was their baby cousin, who was looking happy and who blushed when you mentionned Madara and gods the situation was fucking hilarious when you thought about it. And two, because it was the occasion to beffudle the Uchiha by confronting them to Senju courting traditions.

Cackling ominously under her breath, Toka went back to the task at hand.

Which was planting a large oak in Madara's garden, right in front of his bedroom's window. Takuma was holding the uprooted tree they had fetched in the Forest of Death (because Tobirama, ever the over-achiever, had insisted it had to be the biggest tree possible), Toka was digging a hole large enough to plant it, and Tobirama was multitasking by keeping water around the tree's naked roots and making sure nobody (and especially not Madara, who was sleeping litterally five meters away) would see them by powering a net of hiding seals.

Toka finished digging and hopped out of the hole, while Takuma planted the tree with an almost deadly intent. She was still cackling. It was gonna be great !

************

There was a huge oak in his garden. More specifically, there was a huge oak right in front of his window, and it had NOT been there yesterday when he had gone to bed. Madara sighed and dragged a hand down his face, but at the same time, he couldn't help but feel giddy inside. Because there was no doubt this was Tobirama.

Only the Senju Clan could be ridiculous enough to offer trees as courting gifts.

Humming happily, Madara sauntered into his kitchen to make himself coffee. He would have to reciprocate. Maybe set something on fire, now that Tobirama was aware it was part of the courting. As he flopped down on a cushion to drink his well-deserved coffee, Izuna (the little shit) popped a few meters away from him, looked out the window and whistled.

"Damn ! Looks like Tobirama's going overboard !"

Madara didn't answer, sipping his coffee loudly to signify the little shit to scram. Izuna didn't take the hint.

"Quite a big tree, if you want my opinion !" the weasel continuel,"do you think this is his way to tell you he's a size queen and he wants you to raw him ?!"

Rolling his eyes, Madara threw a cushion at Izuna, who pulled his tongue at his brother, cackled and disappeared.

************

If the way his paperwork had gone up in flames earlier in the day was anything to go by, Madara had appreciated his courting gift. Vibrating with glee and joy, Tobirama all but sauntered into one of the Senju Elder's house.

"Aunt Mariko, I need your expertise on gardening !" he clamored.

Aunt Mariko, who had already produced a hoe, a shovel and several pruners from somewhere on her person, grinned from ear to ear.

"Let's go boy ! We have work to do !"

************

Slurping his coffee loudly to try to drown Izuna's chattering about the fact that Tobirama wanted to get fucked real bad with the number of phallus-shaped objects the man kept offering him, Madara admired the new vegetable garden that had appeared overnight next to his pond.

There was cucumbers, tomatoes, watermelons, leaks, carrots and many things that Madara couldn't put a name on right now, but that looked delicious.

Smiling dumbly and ignoring Izuna, he went back inside to prepare for his day.

************

Tobirama, seconded by a very enthousiastic Mito, was busy skining vegetables and chopping them, before throwing them in the boiling water. Madara was gonna wake up in two hours (he might or might have not memorized the older man's sleeping habits (it was not paranoia or stalking, it was being prepared to any possibility !)) and everything needed to be perfect.

Sitting at the table and making cheesy comments from time to time, Hashirama was looking like he was living in a little bubble of heaven. Tobirama ignored him. At least his brother wasn't trying to plan his and Madara's wedding again. Tobirama had to convince him twice in the course of one hour that white horses pulling a golden charriot would be too much.

************

The soup was smelling divine and Madara heard his stomach grumble. For once, Izuna was silent, and was even looking a little jealous, since ghosts couldn't taste anything (ah ! served him well...).

That was it, Madara decided.

Today he was gonna propose !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Senju cook and garden sneakily to court their significant other ;)


	20. Proposal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madara is dramatic, Tobirama is smitten and Izuna has a verybadnogood day.

Tobirama Senju was minding his own business, coralling his army of children through the village and in direction of the training grounds, and planning his next move concerning Madara, when said Madara, in full armor completed with the gunbai and the scythe, fell from the sky in an explosion of fire that echoed throught the whole town, just as they passed next the Hokage Tower.

Tobirama stopped dead in his tracks and blinked owlishly, while the children, Kagami in first line, gathered behind him to watch the show with shark smiles. Madara, who was a little singed (strands of his hair were smoking) and wild around the eyes, got on one knee in front of Tobirama. Hashirama was litterally hanging off the window of his office to watch what was going on, and Mito was half hidden behind a lamp post, Sara Hatake (as well as the majority of the Hatake clan) behind her, snickering loudly. Izuna was floating above the two women, looking like he was holding his breath. All in all, everybody in the street had stopped moving and were waiting with baited breath.

Then, Madara produced a fucking ceremonial odachi from... somewhere on his person, and presented it to a frozen Tobirama.

Izuna couldn't help but snort.

"I see Aniki decided to go oveboard," he whispered to a smirking Sara.

Madara cleared his throat.

"Tobirama Senju," he proclaimed in his usually loud tone,"will you marry me ?"

Tobirama didn't answer. Instead, he took a deep breath and litterally jumped the Uchiha Clan Head, crashing their mouths together.

"I think that means yes," a Hatake rumbled lowly, his silver eyes shining with mirth. A clamor of approval rang through the village, deafening, and everybody started making comments, while the two bethroted were enthousiastically making out in the middle of the place, dead to the world. Still hanging from his window, Hashirama was crying in joy (while also apparently trying to give Madara the Shovel Talk).

Izuna felt a pull near his chest.

"Well," he said,"I think my job here is done..."

He had hoped it would last a little longer, he had liked it here. He would miss these idiots. Mito and Sara looked at him and smiled softly.

"We'll miss you, firecracker," she said, with true sorrow in her gruff voice.

"Don't worry, Izuna-san," Mito smiled in a strange way,"we'll probably see each other again, sooner than you think..."

Izuna, who was fading away, whipped his head in her direction.

"Wait what ?!"

He disappeared before he could have an answer.

************

However, unlike what he was expecting, he woke up. He blinked owlishly, and his gaze settled on the pale neon light above his face. He groaned, feeling like he had been run down by a stampede of horses. His whole body ached, and his head was pounding with the worst migraine he had ever felt, and he had had some truly dreadful hangover.

If this was the Pure Lands, he would ask to be reimbursed because this was nothing like what he had been promised.

It took him a few moments to notice that, one : this was not the Pure Lands, because two : he knew this place. He had actually already been to this place. Because this place was Tobirama fucking Senju's labs. And speaking of the devil...

Tobirama Senju, wearing a groom haori, appeared just over Izuna, looking manic and disheveled and the young Uchiha couldn't help but yelp in terror (you couldn't blame him, this was a reflex. He would denied to his second dying breath that he ever produced that sound, though).

"It worked !" Tobirama cheered, looking absolutely terrifying,"perfect, just in time !"

"What ?!" Izuna croacked. He noticed that Tobirama was wearing a familiar black leather collar, and that what was visible of his neck was covered in lovebites and hickeys. Izuna's eyes widened (he didn't want to think about his brother and his rival having acrobatic sex ! It had been funny when it had been only a possibility, but now that he was faced with the evidences that it did happen, it wasn't funny at all, it was traumitizing !) and he whimpered in fear.

Tobirama grabbed him by the collar of his yukata and hauled him up as if he hadn't weighted more that a kitten, before shoving him into a large box. Izuna gasped in offence and tried to get out, only to be shoved back inside unceremoniously.

"Stay here and be quiet," Tobirama said with a wicked smile,"my wedding is in one hour and I want to offer my husband an unforgettable gift."

Before Izuna could say anything, he lid of the box was closed in his face.

"The hell ?!" he squeaked.


	21. Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end, folks !

Madara was having the time of his life. First, because he was getting married to Tobirama Senju, and damn, he just couldn't wait. Second, because they had already gotten married the Hatake way just the day prior (Madara pining his fiancé against a wall and rawing him enthousiastically - not that Tobirama hadn't reciprocated with as much energy, the mess of scratches and bites on Madara's shoulders and back being enough evidence of that fact - before securing the black leather collar around his slender neck - and damn, Tobirama had looked positively delicious like that, naked, wrecked and wearing only the collar, his red eyes shining with mischief).

Hashirama had tried to argue with Sara Hatake about the fact that they would get married the Hatake way before the Senju way, had tried to argue that the father's clan's traditions should prevail on the mother's clan's traditions. To which Sara Hatake had retorted that it was easy as fuck to shove your cock up someone's various orifices, but it was painful as fuck to push a baby out of your vagina and therefore the mother's clan's traditions should prevail on the father's clan's traditions. And if Hashirama disagreed, he could come and fight her.

Hashirama very wisely chose not to.

And thus they had gotten married the Hatake way first.

But now, Madara, in full groom regalia, was standing near the altar at the temple, vibrating with impatience. The whole village was gathered in the temple, the Uchiha Clan grinning like sharks (Madara was seeing some of them readying celebratory Katon), and the Hatake Clan snickering and looking at where Hashirama was bawling his eyes out on a long-suffering Mito's shoulder, because his 'pure and innocent' (ah ! Madara could attest that if Tobirama had been pure and innocent one day, he certainly wasn't anymore) baby brother was getting married.

Speaking about their ridiculous Hokage's 'pure and innocent' baby brother, Tobirama was missing. Just as Madara was starting to worry, the man, also in full groom regalia, barrelled through the temple's monumental gates, carrying a very large box with a bow on top. He was grinning like a maniac and proudly wearing the black leather collar with the Uchiha and Senju mon. Madara started drooling as he stared amorously at his husband. Tobirama set his large box near the altar, before placing himself next to Madara.

"What is this ?" Madara asked, curious.

"My wedding gift to you," Tobirama answered, grinning predatorily (and damn, that was making delicious shivers tickle down Madara's spine),"I hope you will like it."

"If it comes from you, I can only like it," Madara sighed lovingly.

Tobirama blushed.

They then proceeded to the wedding. They listened to the priest, exchanged their vows, shared a cup of sake, and then Madara dipped Tobirama and kissed him senseless, as Hashirama's wails became louder, the Hatake's howls errupted and the Uchiha celebratory Katon threatened to set fire to the roof of the temple.

Once things had calmed down a little (Hashirama had only tried to strangle Madara twice, it was a record), Tobirama pushed the box in front of Madara.

"Open it, husband," he drawled.

Smiling like a little kid on their birthday, under the avid eyes of their audience, Madara opened the box.

And a very solid and very alive Izuna sprang from it, looking offended and squeacking indignantly. Madara blinked. Izuna, foaming at the mouth, pointed at Tobirama, who was looking like a cat presenting their catch to their owner.

"Your husband is crazy !!!" Izuna shierked.

Madara blinked again. And then, a manic smirk spread his lips.

"Tobirama, love," he said, his Sharingan bleeding into his eyes,"I need a pond."

"With pleasure, husband !"

Izuna paled and scrambled to get out of the box. Madara grabbed him by the collar of his yukata and hauled his squirming brother over his head as if he weighted nothing. Meanwhile, Tobirama had gathered enough water to form a large pond in the middle of the temple.

And thus, the inhabitants of Konoha, the Village Hidden in the Leaves, witnessed Madara Uchiha, Head of the Uchiha Clan, Scourge of the Battlefield and Husband of Tobirama Senju, slam-dunk his ressurected little brother into a pond while cackling like a maniac, before grabbing his husband and smothering him with a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Izuna has then to suffer through the brunt of our lovebirds honeymoon, Tobi and Madara making a point of fucking just next his bedroom and being as loud as possible.


End file.
